hello family of mine!

I've done it! I've discovered the secret to healthy mother-daughter communication... well, not really, but I did finish the book.  

To be honest I did get a bit lost in Tannen's many personal narratives, both personal and from research subjects, and often had to wade through the stories to find her point.  But I did find her conclusion very helpful.  

I think healthier conversations between Mom and I can be achieved if we are both willing to ask what the other person meant by a statement that may have seemed hurtful.  This is also a skill that I'm learning by living in a house with 12 girls.  We women tend to seriously overanalyze and take personally what others say to us.  I think a lot of conflict can be avoided with clarification, and by reading books like this!

Good pick Dad! Thanks for wanting to understand us girls better, that makes me feel very loved.

Good-night you two,

Boo  

dear margot/barrie - thank you for your kindness
the blog seems so sophisticated and "21st century"
i hope it leads us into sharing our thoughts and feelings

the books you read and the people you meet
are they the two things that can change your life ?
let's try to pick good books and see what happens

i picked deborah tannen's book out of ignorance
mother daughter conversation seemed a mystery to me
have read the book x 2 and i still have questions

page 15 mentions " i 'm here...i care " as a critical link
how do these insignificant details become intimacy and caring ?
it would help me to hear your take on this
thank you again for your kindness / dad

I thought it might be fun to have a visual. :) 

Point #2

Barrie/Daddy, I just wanted to comment on Barrie's second point. Which I found very profound & incredibly true. What is it about our relationship with Momma that gives us that incredible security to be so vulnerable? Knowing that her love for us in unwavering. I have witnessed in my most recent relationships here in 29 that so many women are insecure; sadly insecure women then become insecure mommies and the cycle continues. As I opened my birthday presents this year I was astonished at how well she still knows me...ever as compared to my gift from Jonathan. (Thus just affirming the already intense security I feel in that relationship) Momma picked out things that I mine as well have bought myself. Although I don't know the answer to my own question...Dad I must give you some credit. The security Momma gives us as her daughters, comes partially if not fully from being secure in her own marriage to you, and ultimately the security you both find in Christ. Just some thoughts, Margot

well i never....

Hello Dad and Mugs,

I must admit, I never thought I'd see the day when our family would be using a communal blog as a form of communication.  Thanks for jump-starting this new adventure for us Sis, I'm really excited to see how this works.

  

I'm still working my way through the book, but I thought I'd share a few thoughts I had while reading last night...

1) I really like this Deborah Tannen woman, she has a great touch.  She does a good job of balancing facts with personal testimony.  I know she is very intelligent, but I don't feel that she's constantly trying to remind her readers of this fact (like some writers I have to read here at school, yuck!).  I love that she said in her introduction that she wanted to write a book that her mother would read; what a wonderful goal.  And just look at how many more people she has been able to reach with her book because of her broadened audience.

  

2) I found it very interesting when Tannen said, "Caring and criticism are found in the same words.  The mother feels she's caring. The daughter feels criticized.  They are both right."  Tannen said that mothers feel obligated to tell their daughter truth that they may not hear from anyone else.  It still amazes me that deep down, despite how unpopular it is to give and how difficult it can be to receive, telling people the truth is still seen as one of the greatest ways to show love.  I think in my own life I fear telling people the truth because I'm afraid they will remove their friendship/love from me, but with Mom there's no fear that she will ever stop being my Mom, so I feel the freedom to be painfully honest.  

3) I agreed when Tannen said that mothers have the greatest potential to encourage or hurt their daughter.  It's as if, we operate on an emotional scale in all relationships, extreme joy at one end, extreme pain on the other.  But with our mothers we deal chiefly with the extremes of the scale, rarely in the middle.  Nothing between Mom and I is functioning on a shallow level, even if our conversation appears to only graze "surface" issues, everything we're saying has been built in years of communicating and interpreting each other, whether we call attention to it or not.

so here are a few of my scattered thoughts, I hope they made some sense.  I'll try to write more as I read more.  I love you both so much and I'm looking forward to reading your posts too!

love,

Boo         

 

Father Daughter Book Club Begins

Welcome Daddy & Barrie, I do hope you find the blog layout user friendly. I have e-mailed you both with detailed instructions on how to sign into our new blog & the easiest way to post comments! I know for me this will provide excellent accountability for reading, as well as a great way for us to share thoughts and ideas about latest book. Happy Blogging! I love you both...